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ANTs Part 2: Mind Reading

By Andrea Schmitt
We are all familiar with the image of a magician trying to read another person’s mind and we laugh at him and roll our eyes. Yet we try this ourselves more often than we like to admit. How often have you found yourself thinking: “She must think I am stupid!” or “My teacher doesn’t like me,” or “They can surely tell I am nervous…” or “He doesn’t love me anymore, he didn’t even look at me during out conversation.” 
 
We try to read other people’s minds ALL the time, and the good news is we are not alone. These thoughts are so normal that they have been studied over and over again by researchers, psychologists  and scientists for decades. The term "automatic negative thoughts" or ANTs was made famous by Dr. Daniel Amen in the 1990s but has been studied since the early 1960s by the renowned American psychiatrist Aaron T. Beck. 
In total, there are 10 different ANTs, and here is another of the most popular ones: 

Mind Reading
This ANT makes you believe that you absolutely know what the other person is thinking, namely that their thoughts must surely be about you and only you, that they are judging you negatively. On top of that, you assume that this is 100% true, all of it!

The scary part is that we are so accustomed to this kind of thinking, that we don’t even realize it. 
If you walk down a street and your friend doesn’t seem to notice you and doesn’t greet you, you may automatically think that she dislikes you, is angry or upset with you or even hates you. You think about all the possible things that you might have done to make her dislike you… You assume the worst AND don’t bother checking if it is true.

In reality your friend might have been analyzing her last phone call, concentrating on a presentation she has to give in 10 minutes or happily listening to her audiobook.

How can you catch this ANT?
1. Identify 
The first clue that you have done some mind reading is that you feel bad about yourself: sad, anxious, depressed or worried. You made a prediction about how your friend sees you and then find yourself repeating this thought in your mind over and over.

2. Combat 
Ask yourself if the prediction statement can be an absolute truth. Can you be absolutely sure that the other person is thinking that? How do you know?  Ask yourself: what would I tell my best friend if she mentioned this mind-reading situation to me? 

3. Look at the facts
Search for evidence against the thought and don’t judge. It can be challenging to see the facts of a situation, but what could be a more realistic way to think?

Here is an exercise to get rid of this ANT:
  • Take a blank sheet of paper and divide it into three columns:
    Your mind reading thought goes into the first column. (She hates me.)
  • Into the second one you write the situation of the mind reading incident. (My friend walked past me and didn’t say hello.)
  • In the third column you write a positive alternative explanation of your friend’s behavior. (She was lost in her own thoughts or she wasn’t feeling well.)
This should show you that your thought was not 100% correct, that there most probably is another explanation for your friend’s behaviour and that you can relax.

It is actually impossible for you to know what the other person is thinking, and it is impossible for the other person to think what is going on in your mind! I am sure you have been in a situation which went like: “But I thought you meant...!” “No, not at all! But I thought you thought…!”

Mostly people are preoccupied with themselves, they think about their own problems and what is going on in their life, not about other people, not about you!

If you really want to know what was going on in your friend’s head, ask her! If after all your analyzing you think “Oh, well,” and want to let it go… let it go, because this mind-reading activity is best left to the psychics, fortune tellers and clairvoyants…

If we are aware of these automatic ways of thinking, we can be kinder and more understanding towards others and us.

Catch those ANTs and change them!

Andrea Schmitt is a life coach specializing in teenage girls and a former Stanstead parent (Jessica Lozano Schmitt 2018). Find out more about her services at https://www.globalgirlcoach.com/ or email andrea@globalgirlcoach.com. 
 
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