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ANTs: Automatic Negative Thoughts
Have you found yourself waking up and, before you even open your eyes, some of these thoughts crossing your mind? “I should have gotten up earlier!” “Why didn’t I get up right away when the alarm sounded, I am so stupid!” “How could anyone love someone like me?” Or maybe even, “I shouldn’t get upset at this!” By the time you put your first foot on the floor, you already feel anxious, less confident, down and bad about yourself.
The good news is you are not alone. These thoughts are so normal that they have been studied over and over again by researchers, psychologists and scientists for decades!
In total, there are 10 different automatic negative thoughts, or ANTs. Let’s look at this very popular one first:
“Should statements” or…. SHOULDing
If you try to motivate yourself with “should” and “shouldn't” as well as “must,” “never,” “need to,” “ought to,” “can’t” and “have to,” this is for you.
When you use these words for yourself, the emotional consequence is guilt. Guilt releases chemicals and these chemicals make your body feel, well, awful! Your hands might get cold, your heart starts racing and you cannot concentrate (I sort of get light-headed…). When you direct “should” statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration and resentment towards them.
How to solve this?
1. Identify “Should” Statements
Sometimes they are obvious and other times they are going to take some digging. The first clue that you have a “should” statement in your head is that you are feeling bad, sad, anxious, depressed or worried. You feel bad about yourself, you see yourself as lazy or you struggle with feelings of guilt.
Examples: I should be working out. I ought to be studying harder. I should be thinner/prettier/in better shape. I should be more successful. I shouldn’t eat ice cream. I must get better grades.
Sometimes they are obvious and other times they are going to take some digging. The first clue that you have a “should” statement in your head is that you are feeling bad, sad, anxious, depressed or worried. You feel bad about yourself, you see yourself as lazy or you struggle with feelings of guilt.
Examples: I should be working out. I ought to be studying harder. I should be thinner/prettier/in better shape. I should be more successful. I shouldn’t eat ice cream. I must get better grades.
You might feel resentful or disappointed in someone else or you might feel self-righteous.
Examples: She/he should be doing more. Everybody on the baseball team should always work hard. A good friend should never forget to text me back. My teacher should always notice when I do a good job. A good friend always calls on your birthday.
Examples: She/he should be doing more. Everybody on the baseball team should always work hard. A good friend should never forget to text me back. My teacher should always notice when I do a good job. A good friend always calls on your birthday.
You begin to see the world as always unfair or uncaring.
Examples: Things should be fair. They should treat me better. I should always be happy.
Examples: Things should be fair. They should treat me better. I should always be happy.
2. Combat Should Statements
Ask yourself whether this “should” statement can be an absolute truth. For example, if you look at the statement, “I shouldn’t eat ice cream,” you want to think about whether that needs to be true 100% of the time. The statement suggests yes; but, what would it be like if you changed it to “I will save ice cream for special occasions.” In this case, you have given up the absolute statement for one that is more likely to be followed and, once in a while, you enjoy your favourite treat.
Ask yourself if you would tell your best friend the same thing. (This is my favourite!)
Listen to your statements and ask yourself if you would judge your friends and be so unkind to them in the same way. Think about the statement, “I should be prettier,” as if your friend were saying it about herself. You would jump in and tell her what you find pretty about her, all the things you really love her for and that you find her beautiful inside and out. In other words, be kind to yourself, like you were your best friend!
3. Look at the facts and only the facts
It can be difficult to see the facts of a situation. Writing down your thoughts and then focusing only on the facts can be a great tool. Think about the statement, “My roommate never does anything.” So, you actually think “She/he should help more.” It is likely that your roommate does have things she takes care of. You may discover that you yourself are actually feeling stressed due to some exam. Taking the time to discover this can help you have a good conversation. You and your roommate could decide that cleaning the bathroom can wait until this temporary stress is over. It could also be that the two of you need to renegotiate who does what and when. This is a much better option than stomping around the room feeling upset, angry and alone.
4. Phrase the statement as a wish or desire
You might change a statement like, “I want to always have an A,” to, “I would like to improve my grade next time”. For, “You always forget my birthday,” you could say, “I really wish you would remember my birthday next time (but it’s okay, I forgot my sister’s birthday last week)…”
Identifying and challenging SHOULDings can make a big difference in how you feel.
Catch those ANTs and change them!
Andrea Schmitt is a life coach specializing in teenage girls and a former Stanstead parent (Jessica Lozano Schmitt 2018). Find out more about her services at https://www.globalgirlcoach.com/ or email andrea@globalgirlcoach.com.
Catch those ANTs and change them!
Andrea Schmitt is a life coach specializing in teenage girls and a former Stanstead parent (Jessica Lozano Schmitt 2018). Find out more about her services at https://www.globalgirlcoach.com/ or email andrea@globalgirlcoach.com.
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