Peering Down the End of the Road

 

Many of my peers likely have an idea of what lies ahead of them. Perhaps they have optimism or even some nervousness when thinking of the future. I do not. I feel only fear. I don’t fear moving on from the school; as much as I love it, I know all good things must come to an end. Rather, I fear the fact that there is an end. I see the future only as a road with an abyss waiting at the end.

 

To try and cope, I tell myself what is often told: just live in the moment, appreciate what you have right now. But it is hard to do so. I am a stubborn person. Thinking and telling myself something over and over again does not mean believing in it. As much as I wish to stop peering down the end of the road, I simply can’t. It haunts me as I go to bed every night, it even haunts me when I’m having the time of my life. There is always a voice in the back of my head telling me that one day it’ll be over, not the memories I’m making with my friends, but the experience of being human. Some things I just find easier to accept than others.

 

I know what I am. At least I think I do. I have trouble admitting that I am entitled to nothing,  that having a future is a privilege. However, I know self-pity guarantees me no compensation. There is no point in me sulking in misery and yelling at clouds because the world does not bend to my will. Time only moves forward and it is indifferent to my opinions. I have to learn to accept that.

 

So, although I may not be the person I want to be right now nor do I believe deep down in what I want to believe, I know what I want to be, and that is the first step in changing who I am. Accepting the inevitable, not letting it dictate my thoughts and ambitions, accepting that the road will end – these are the traits I need to be at peace with myself.

 

While a similar fate awaits us all at the end of that road, what differentiates us is what is done in life. I will focus on every step I take, rather than the destination I’m heading for.

 

Author Christopher Ruocchio wrote, “The man who hopes for the future delays its arrival, and the man who dreads it summons it to his door.“ Death comes for us all, but the future must be cherished, not feared. No matter how long we have left, no matter how terrifying the end of the road is, being able to wake up the next day is a beautiful gift, the greatest gift of all.